There was good news today for the proprietors of Bell Court, Stratford upon Avon’s central shopping precinct, with the announcement of three new businesses who intend to take up residency as soon as possible. Long-Pigs – Nation-wide restaurant chain. We are Pants – Ladies Underwear Specialists. Hobbits – World famous ‘Clothes for the Shorter Man’.Continue reading New businesses for Bell Court
Ruby Murray (87) of Stratford upon Avon had two major shocks when she awoke on Monday morning. Not only did she sleep through Stratford upon Avon’s first major major earthquake for 50 years (3.1 Richter scale), she also found her complete collection of favourite ornaments had moved 3 inches to the left. ‘I was horrified’Continue reading Powerful Stratford upon Avon earthquake moves woman’s ornaments 3 inches to the left
‘I was as surprised as anyone’ says shocked Clergyman Rev George Tinkler. ‘The strange thing was I had no idea anything untoward was happening until I heard gasps from the congregation. I was well into my sermon on the Holy Spirit, in fact unusually for me I had my eyes closed such was the passionContinue reading Clergyman levitates before surprised Congregation
Notorious Stratford upon Avon gangster Sidney ‘Sticky’ Wickett (82) was released from HMP Long Lartin prison today after serving 25 years for ‘severe naughtiness’ and ‘probably murder’. Known for his trademark punishment of glue-ing his enemies’ eyelids into a permanent ‘open position’, and his chilling ‘battle cry’ of ‘nobody sleeps when I’m around’, Wickett wasContinue reading Notorious Stratford upon Avon Gangster released
This report was originally published in ‘The Curmudgeon Times’ Feb 8th 2020 The reason for the complete closure of Vatican City and the hospitalisation of the Head Librarian has finally been given by Head of Publicity Fr Giomenti Frutella. In a hastily worded statement Fr Frutella gave the answer to why there was a completeContinue reading Bookcase made by Jesus discovered in Vatican Library (Update)
Sidney ‘Mr Bojangles’ Rump well known street entertainer and banjo player, a regular outside Shakespeare’s Birthplace was injured yesterday trying to play the popular banjo piece ‘Duelling Banjos’ , ‘faster than anyone else has ever played it’. Eyewitness to the disaster, American tourist and Pastor, Elvis Oppenheimer III told the Stratfordian… ‘We had just comeContinue reading Banjo player injured in freak accident
Members of the Conservative party in Stratford upon Avon are concerned tonight by the apparent disappearance of Local Member of Parliament Latrine Bizarrio. Last seen watching news reports of Boris Johnson’s new Cabinet by Arthur Toady (79) boot boy & general dogsbody at Conservative headquarters in Old Town Stratford upon Avon, members have called anContinue reading Local MP abducted by Aliens?
The remains of an old sandal fished out of the river Avon by a fisherman having a bad day, has started an argument that could go on and on and on and on…. etc. Disappointed yet, fascinated by the unusual discovery, fisherman Roderick Cheek used his own money to have the item carbon dated andContinue reading Sandal find begs question: Did Jesus visit Stratford upon Avon?
‘We knew when we moved from Kensington to this lovely little village that it would be a life-changer. We accepted the fact that our neighbours would more than likely keep pigs and the Church bells would ring on Sundays. Even the idea of an embarrassing village idiot walking around all day with his flies undoneContinue reading Village newcomers complain about expulsion of gas from livestock
When Roman Dewdrop left for work yesterday morning he was amazed to find two policemen and a removal van parked outside his front door. Perhaps he wouldn’t have been so surprised if he’s realised earlier that it was highly irregular if not illegal for a family of 6 to be living in Stratford’s beloved AmericanContinue reading Fake landlord rents out American Fountain to family of 6
Police in Stratford upon Avon are on the alert for a street robber who bears an uncanny resemblance to children’s much-loved toy, ‘Mr Potato Head’. A Police Spokesman takes up the story… ‘As ridiculous as this may sound, we are on the alert for a man who bears a striking resemblance to Mister Potato Head.Continue reading Police alert for ‘Mr Potato Head’ look-a-like
Stratford upon Avon’s Annual Mop Fair has made the much-praised decision to go Green as soon as possible. A spokesperson for the Fairground Group than runs the yearly fair that closes off the streets of Stratford upon Avon told the Stratfordian… ‘We felt the time had come to make some changes in our work-place. Let’sContinue reading Annual Mop Fair to go Carbon Neutral
You will be noticing a change in The Stratfordian over the next few weeks. We are going Global Owing to the establishment of our growing network of communication (pigeons, fax, telegram, ticker-tape, Chinese whispers, rumours & tittle-tattle) we are at last in the envious position to bring you News from Around the World. Stay Tuned.
(To the tune of ’10 green bottles) 10 sick patients in a corridor 10 sick patients in a corridor and if one sick patient went down with coronavirus, sepsis, noravirus etc, etc… there’d still be 10 sick patients in a corridor.
Long-time friends Minnie Ripperton (94) and Alabaster Fontaine (90) were on their way home from a late-night pole dancing class when they were shocked to find their progress interrupted by an armed man. Minnie takes up the story… ‘I remember it so clearly. We were in a good mood and having a little giggle aboutContinue reading Masked man foils robbery on Bridge Street
‘The Pebworth Parsnip, was so called because it was developed in Pebworth in the early 1800’s to give some cheap relief to families who were experiencing a terrible famine at the time. It were a hardy plant, easy to grow with one large root able to support a family of four for a week. WhenContinue reading ‘Pebworth Parsnip’ planting party postponed
NASA control are reporting the discovery of a stowaway on board the International Space Station currently orbiting the earth. Reports are sketchy at the moment but The Stratfordian has learnt from anonymous sources that the stowaway is described as… ‘…an Irishman who as far as we can ascertain, has a permanent home in Stratford Continue reading Irish stowaway from Stratford upon Avon discovered on board International Space Station
The Stratfordian can reveal today new plans to mechanise the popular Tramway walk. The walk that starts/ends at the Butterfly Farm and starts/ends close to the Waitrose traffic island, runs short of a mile and is considered by some (according to Town Council) as ‘tedious’ and ‘hard work’, has long been designated for an upgradeContinue reading Stratford upon Avon’s Tramway walk to be mechanised
A member of the audience at the ‘Happy days are here again’ Brexit talk by local MP Nimby Zahawi-Heep, who came over a bit dodgy and collapsed has been confirmed as being the latest victim of the ‘Boredonna’ Virus. A member of the public who wishes to remain anonymous and was at the MP’S talkContinue reading ‘Boredonna’ virus strikes again