The House of Balloons: Interesting Hobbies Pt 1

Ask most Stratford upon Avon residents what the Great Covid 19 Lock down has given them personally and it’s a sure-fire bet that most citizens would reply, ‘Misery’. Not so Walter Winterbottom (87) Stratford born and bred and living in what he calls, ‘The House of Balloons’. He is in ecstasy. ‘The Great Stratford upon Avon… Read More »

Social Engineering rife in Stratford upon Avon

After years of denial a Stratford upon Avon spokesperson from the Housing Department has admitted that the practise of Social Engineering has been in use in Stratford upon Avon for many years. George Bent from the Council said today… ‘It has been the policy for many years within the Town Council Housing Department to move… Read More »

New businesses for Bell Court

There was good news today for the proprietors of Bell Court, Stratford upon Avon’s central shopping precinct, with the announcement of three new businesses who intend to take up residency as soon as possible. Long-Pigs – Nation-wide restaurant chain. We are Pants – Ladies Underwear Specialists. Hobbits – World famous ‘Clothes for the Shorter Man’.… Read More »

Notorious Stratford upon Avon Gangster released

Notorious Stratford upon Avon gangster Sidney ‘Sticky’ Wickett (82) was released from HMP Long Lartin prison today after serving 25 years for ‘severe naughtiness’ and ‘probably murder’. Known for his trademark punishment of glue-ing his enemies’ eyelids into a permanent ‘open position’, and his chilling ‘battle cry’ of ‘nobody sleeps when I’m around’, Wickett was… Read More »

Bookcase made by Jesus discovered in Vatican Library (Update)

This report was originally published in ‘The Curmudgeon Times’ Feb 8th 2020  The reason for the complete closure of Vatican City and the hospitalisation of the Head Librarian has finally been given by Head of Publicity Fr Giomenti Frutella. In a hastily worded statement Fr Frutella gave the answer to why there was a complete… Read More »

Banjo player injured in freak accident

Sidney ‘Mr Bojangles’ Rump well known street entertainer and banjo player, a regular outside Shakespeare’s Birthplace was injured yesterday trying to play the popular banjo piece ‘Duelling Banjos’ , ‘faster than anyone else has ever played it’. Eyewitness to the disaster, American tourist and Pastor, Elvis Oppenheimer III told the Stratfordian… ‘We had just come… Read More »

Local MP abducted by Aliens?

Members of the Conservative party in Stratford upon Avon are concerned tonight by the apparent disappearance of Local Member of Parliament Latrine Bizarrio. Last seen watching news reports of Boris Johnson’s new Cabinet by Arthur Toady (79) boot boy & general dogsbody at Conservative headquarters in Old Town Stratford upon Avon, members have called an… Read More »

Fake landlord rents out American Fountain to family of 6

When Roman Dewdrop left for work yesterday morning he was amazed to find two policemen and a removal van parked outside his front door. Perhaps he wouldn’t have been so surprised if he’s realised earlier that it was highly irregular if not illegal for a family of 6 to be living in Stratford’s beloved American… Read More »

Police alert for ‘Mr Potato Head’ look-a-like

Police in Stratford upon Avon are on the alert for a street robber who bears an uncanny resemblance to children’s much-loved toy, ‘Mr Potato Head’. A Police Spokesman takes up the story… ‘As ridiculous as this may sound, we are on the alert for a man who bears a striking resemblance to Mister Potato Head.… Read More »

Annual Mop Fair to go Carbon Neutral

Stratford upon Avon’s Annual Mop Fair has made the much-praised decision to go Green as soon as possible. A spokesperson for the Fairground Group than runs the yearly fair that closes off the streets of Stratford upon Avon told the Stratfordian… ‘We felt the time had come to make some changes in our work-place. Let’s… Read More »

An important announcement

You will be noticing a change in The Stratfordian over the next few weeks. We are going Global Owing to the establishment of our growing network of communication (pigeons, fax, telegram, ticker-tape, Chinese whispers, rumours & tittle-tattle) we are at last in the envious position to bring you News from Around the World. Stay Tuned.

A ditty

(To the tune of ’10 green bottles) 10 sick patients in a corridor 10 sick patients in a corridor and if one sick patient went down with coronavirus, sepsis, noravirus etc, etc… there’d still be 10 sick patients in a corridor.

Masked man foils robbery on Bridge Street

Long-time friends Minnie Ripperton (94) and Alabaster Fontaine (90) were on their way home from a late-night pole dancing class when they were shocked to find their progress interrupted by an armed man. Minnie takes up the story… ‘I remember it so clearly. We were in a good mood and having a little giggle about… Read More »

‘Pebworth Parsnip’ planting party postponed

‘The Pebworth Parsnip, was so called because it was developed in Pebworth in the early 1800’s to give some cheap relief to families who were experiencing a terrible famine at the time. It were a hardy plant, easy to grow with one large root able to support a family of four for a week. When… Read More »

Stratford upon Avon’s Tramway walk to be mechanised

The Stratfordian can reveal today  new plans to mechanise the popular Tramway walk. The walk that starts/ends at the Butterfly Farm and starts/ends close to the Waitrose traffic island, runs short of a mile and is considered by some (according to Town Council) as ‘tedious’ and ‘hard work’, has long been designated for an upgrade… Read More »

‘Boredonna’ virus strikes again

A member of the audience at the ‘Happy days are here again’ Brexit talk by local MP Nimby Zahawi-Heep, who came over a bit dodgy and collapsed has been confirmed as being the latest victim of the ‘Boredonna’ Virus. A member of the public who wishes to remain anonymous and was at the MP’S talk… Read More »

Chlorinated chicken runs amok in Town Centre

Sheep Street Stratford upon Avon was in uproar this afternoon when a chlorinated chicken caused havoc by running down the middle of the busy road causing a number of cars to collide and women to faint. Sheep Street (also known as the ‘street of a thousand restaurants’) was in chaos with every eating establishment denying… Read More »

Stratford upon Avon’s Town Host Scheme ‘infiltrated by outsiders’

Stratford’s Town Host Scheme has long been envied as a Tourist Information Service second to none. The idea of having knowledgeable locals as easily identifiable ‘Town Hosts’ always on hand to direct tourists or any new visitors to Stratford upon Avon’s many historic sites, is an idea many have thought,worth copying. Unfortunately, according to documents… Read More »

Breaking News: Plan to build wall around Stratford upon Avon

Word has just reached The Stratfordian that rumours ‘to build a wall around Stratford upon Avon’ are not as far-fetched as originally thought. The Stratfordian learnt today that as recently as Monday a special, closed meeting was held at District Council level to discuss finance for the project. The Conservative Chairman of the group, ’Keep… Read More »

Local Prophet reveals vision

Local prophet Holy Jack Rage well known around the Stratford upon Avon District for his dire warnings and rolling naked in the dust, has finally revealed details of a vision he says he received from God last year. Insisting on a night meeting in a local park where there was less chance of being disturbed,… Read More »

Signatures increase to remove ‘obscene’ riverside bollards

President of the Clear Up Nasty Things Swiftly group, Amelia Swann, announced today at a hastily convened press conference ‘that the group was a hundred signatures short of one thousand. The number the group believes the town council should begin to ‘sit up and take notice of our protests’. The subject of the groups anger… Read More »

Childrens entertainer disappears in vanishing cabinet

When ‘Mr Surprise’ magician and clown, was hired for little Thomas (surname withheld) 8th birthday party, no-one expected such a joyful event would end so disturbingly with police being called.  Thomas ‘ father takes up the story… ‘Basically, it was the end of Mister Surprise’ act. The grand finale so to speak. We’d hired this… Read More »

Swan on menu at Shakespeare’s birthday celebrations

Local Stratford upon Avon chefs were ‘cock-a-hoop’ today when they received permission from the Queens household to kill a swan and prepare it for this year’s signature dish at Shakespeare’s Birthday Celebrations in April. Head Chef Manuel Ortega Longbottom, who will be preparing the rarely tasted dish said today… ‘I am over the moon. We… Read More »

Giant African Snail causes traffic havoc

You would never judge Ian Bland (27) as an angry man. Befitting his surname Ian is quiet and sombre, some might say, boring. Amongst his many hobbies you can include the collecting of train timetables and beermats. But early Tuesday morning Ian was fuming, under the impression that the subject of his main hobby, snails,… Read More »

More men taking up Doublet & Hose in Stratford upon Avon

For Stratford upon Avon Tailors ‘Megavissey & Snodgrass’, 2019 was a relief.  In fact, says Head Cutter and Joint Owner Wolverine Snodgrass (86)…’‘2019 was the decade our bacon was saved’. 2019 was the year that Stratford upon Avon men upped themselves in the fashion stakes and took to wearing that old Elizabethan stalwart, the Doublet… Read More »

Wanted man discovered living in Pillar Box

Police were all of a hoo-har this afternoon when it was revealed that an escaped prisoner they had been searching for over a year, had been living in a Royal Mail post box barely 200 hundred yards from Stratford upon Avon’s police station. Albert Thug, who was originally imprisoned for extremely nasty behaviour, handed himself… Read More »

‘Traditional’ burglar apprehended

As told to The Stratfordian. By Police Constable ‘Ronnie’ Ronald. ‘I was proceeding along the High Street in an orderly manner when I noted a strange sight on the opposite pavement. I saw a large gentleman (the gentleman in question) clad in what I can only describe as what is commonly known as, ‘fancy dress’.… Read More »

Fattest man in Warwickshire claims weight loss record

The wife of Peter Bulk (57) of Stratford upon Avon, who once held the record for the largest man in Warwickshire weighing in at 37 Stone, has reported that her husband has lost 37 stone over the amazingly short period of six months. Mrs Bulk went on to tell The Stratfordian… ‘Of course Peter will… Read More »

Local MP mooted as Minister for Rickets

Thanks to the tremendous rise in Child Poverty and the like, the House of Common’s Bars and smoke-filled rooms are abuzz with the rumour that Stratford upon Avon’s local MP ( *Nadhim Zahawi), is to be recommended for the position of Minister for Rickets, Polio (and other childhood diseases from the 1950’s). Although the MP… Read More »

2020 Predictions

Bell Court closes.  ‘Lack of footfall’ reason given.  Bell Court Reprieve. New owners.  Bell Court re-named ‘The Bird Shopping Centre’.  The Bird Shopping Centre re-named ‘Bell Court’.  Statues of Tony Bird erected in Bell Court.  Shakespeare’s Birthday cancelled through lack of funds.  Shakespeare’s Birthday saved by Tony Bird Donation.  Shakespeare’s Birthday Celebration moved to May-Bird.… Read More »

Fracking to begin in Bell Court over Winter

Stratford Town Council admitted today that fracking would begin in Bell Court over the winter months. A spokesperson for the Council said today, ‘A huge gas deposit was discovered under Bell Court during recent maintenance work. Such is the size of the field that the Council decided that this is a financial opportunity to good… Read More »

Traffic Wardens reject new uniform based on Vatican Guard

Olaf La Strange designer of the new Stratford upon Avon Traffic Wardens uniform,was in shock today when Traffic Wardens in the Stratford area voted conclusively to reject the new design. Mr La Strange told The Stratfordian…   ‘I am devastated. I really thought my design based on the uniform of the Vatican Guard would be… Read More »

Landmine clearance almost complete on Bancroft say Council

‘Landmine clearance should be complete by the summer’ says leading Town Councillor. Despite a spate of vicious rumours to the contrary, The Stratfordian has been assured by *Lt Col Sir Henry Gammon head of the 5th Stratford Ordinance Brigade that… ‘almost all of the mistakenly placed landmines dug into the flower beds on the Bancroft,… Read More »

Undertaker wins Christmas Window competition

In a highly unusual result in Stratford upon Avon’s Christmas window competition, the undertakers Arthur Body (deceased) & Sons were announced the winners of the yearly competition for ‘Stratford’s Jolliest Christmas Window Display’. John Body owner and CEO of the one-hundred-year-old company said today… ‘…as you can imagine we were over the moon when we… Read More »

15% of Swans on River Avon are Fake says Report

A report released yesterday by the SAB (The Swan Authentication Board) says that ‘at the very least 15% of the swans currently floating about on the River Avon’s Stratford section are ‘without doubt, fakes’. Jason Feather, Chairman of the SAB told the Stratfordian that, ‘…we were as amazed as anyone to discover that a number… Read More »

Statue of Tony Bird Mooted

A petition to erect a statue of Tony Bird has gathered pace and plans are believed to be ‘at discussion stage’ for the erection of a monument to ‘the man who changed Stratford upon Avon forever’. Mister Bird, who single-handedly ‘moved shopping out of Stratford to Leamington Spa, Warwick and surrounding districts’ is said to… Read More »

Giraffe running wild in Stratford Radish Fields

Radish picker Stanislav Wzxedizmith was just finishing his shift in Stratford upon Avon’s world renowned radish fields when, taking a moment to stretch his aching back he spotted a giraffe foraging in the hedgerows that surrounded his personal working space.  ‘I was amazed at seeing this exotic creature. Such a beautiful beast. It must have… Read More »

Letter from William Shakespeare Discovered in Herald Archive

A letter of complaint from William Shakespeare has been discovered in the Stratford upon Herald’s archive. Addressed to the Editor and dated *March 1613 the letter contains perhaps unsurprisingly, the usual Stratford upon Avon talking points, i.e. The amount of dog excrement on the streets, cracked paving stones, the ‘usefulness’ of town councillors and an… Read More »

Voting is Fun

Hey Kids, Voting is fun! This reporter's unique way of getting "the kids" politically engaged is swearing at them. Gepostet von Jonathan Pie am Dienstag, 16. Mai 2017

‘A Pound for a Poo’ in Stratford upon Avon

Elderly people in Stratford upon Avon are in for a shock the next time they find themselves ‘caught short’ out shopping or entertaining the grandkids feeding the ducks. In fact it might, considering the latest news from the Town Council be wise for older citizens to stay away from water. The Town council have just… Read More »

Local Villages Mimicking Universe says Scientist

According to scientist and author (LSD: A Micro-tab a day Keeps the Doctor Away. Faber & Faber) Dr Toby Brain, ‘…villages around Stratford upon Avon are moving away from the town at a rate of six inches a year’. ‘This is exactly what is happening to the universe we live in at the moment, although… Read More »

Bigfoot Mystery Solved

Mysterious recent sightings of a ‘Bigfoot’ type creature on the outskirts of Stratford upon Avon have recently been put to rest by local man Norman Angina (81). Once voted Guinness Book of Record’s ‘Britain’s hairiest man’ and after spending his early working life on various fairgrounds billed as ‘The monster with six fingers on each… Read More »

‘Tights not Obligatory’ says Theatre Head Honcho

Head of the Royal Shakespeare Theatre here in Stratford upon Avon, made it very clear today that wearing tights when acting is not a foregone conclusion nor a necessity. ‘There is a rumour that I would like to dispel concerning the wearing of tights in the theatre’ said a visibly angry Greg Doran, Boss of… Read More »

Teenage defibrillator game dangerous says Health Chief

‘Stratford’s teenagers are playing a dangerous game when using one of the many free-for-use defibrillators for their own amusement’  says Stratford Health Chief, Peter Bandage. According to Mr Bandage, the latest craze amongst Stratford upon Avon youngsters is called ‘Shock the Monkey’ or ‘Clear’,  the idea being to see who can take the most shocks… Read More »

Flood Crocodile Alert Raised

    Stratford residents have been warned tonight that owing to the discovery of a number of decapitated swans floating in the River Avon the Crocodile alert has been raised from white to YELLOW. The environment agency issued the following urgent statement. ‘Owing to the recent discovery of a number of dead swans in the… Read More »

Entire Butterfly Farm Stock Devoured by Recent African Edition

Staff at Stratford upon Avon’s Butterfly farm had a terrible shock when they arrived for work this morning. Their entire living collection of butterflies from all over the world was nowhere to be seen. Stunned Head butterfly keeper Geoffrey Sting told the Stratfordian that… ‘…members of staff were in tears to find everything gone. Our… Read More »

Elephant Pulling Cart to Lead Next Year’s Shakespeare Birthday Parade

An elephant pulling a cart full of orphaned children is one of the ideas mooted by Stratford Town Council to ‘liven up’ next years Shakespeare’s birthday celebrations. Town Crier and Chairman of the Celebrations Committee Arthur Loudly told The Stratfordian that.. ‘Many of today’s councillors are fully aware of the boring and rag-tag nature of… Read More »

‘Street Eating’ could be Banned in Stratford upon Avon

Seeing a pedestrian racing by, clutching a cup of coffee or eating a sausage roll may become a rare sight on the streets of Stratford if Town Councillors have their way. Plans are afoot to ban eating on the streets of Shakespeare’s Town after an unusual number of complaints were received by the Town Council… Read More »

‘Living Statue’ Frozen to the Spot During Robbery

Henley Street in Stratford upon Avon became the site of criminal activity this weekend when a cap containing £3.50 was taken from the street entertainer who portrays ‘Henry VIII’ as a ‘living statue’. As robbers went about their awful business of removing the money from a hat, the living statue (who wishes to remain anonymous)… Read More »

Local MP wins ‘Stable Genius’ award third year running

Local MP Nubile Bizzaro has won the RSPCA award for ‘Stable Genius’ for the third year running. Cited thricely for his ‘warm and comfortable horses’ the award winner MP told The Stratfordian that… ‘I am of course truly honoured and extremely humbled by the RSPCA for the award ‘Stable Genius’ for the third year running.… Read More »

Elizabethan themed Sex Shop closes doors after 70 years

‘Master Willies’, Stratford’s only Elizabethan sex shop has ceased trading after 70 years. Proprietor William Quickly said yesterday that… ‘Today is a very sad day. We have run this business for a very long time, but we have come to realise that what we offer is considered out-of-date and no longer wanted by the more… Read More »

‘Shakespeare used a Biro’ Says Shakespeare Quill Denial Group.

The SQDG released a statement today that says they have indisputable evidence that William Shakespeare used an Elizabethan equivalent of a modern-day biro to write his plays. Chairman of the well-known and outspoken group said in the statement that… ‘The undeniable proof for our claim will be presented at the next celebration of Shakespeare’s birthday… Read More »

Stratford Herald Celebrates Purchase of Newly Refurbished Typewriter

Happy days are ahead for local paper The Stratford upon Avon Herald as staff gather to celebrate the unveiling of their newly purchased refurbished typewriter. Editor, reporter, photographer, receptionist and office cleaner Richard Howarth said… ‘…plans were well afoot for tonight’s celebration at the White Swan. Staff young and old, dead or alive are all… Read More »

Firs Gardens mooted for Stratford’s 2nd Cemetery

A spokesperson for Stratford upon Avon Town Council confirmed today that Councillors were seriously looking at the Firs Gardens for the site of Stratford’s second cemetery. ‘Although the traditional site on the Evesham road is very popular it has been in use for a long period of time. We are at the stage where we… Read More »

‘Leaning tower of Stratford’ finally acknowledged by RSC architects.

Sharp-eyed tourist and observant residents were rewarded today by a confession by RSC architects Legolian McKanno that there was indeed a ‘lean factor’ built into the Royal Shakespeare Theatre’s Tower. A spokesman for the Architects admitted today that the…‘…numerous letters, phone calls and emails that we received on a daily basis, pointing out a lean… Read More »

Award winning ‘living statue’ found dead.

Well-loved Stratford personality and award winning ‘living statue’ Percy ‘Stationary’ Stanton, was declared dead by medical personnel in the early hours of Saturday morning. Alerted by a dog walker who was worried that Mr Stanton had been in the same spot (the Bancroft) and motionless for over 48 hours a doctor from a nearby surgery… Read More »

Zip line application refused

A recent application from London Entertainment Company ‘Blitz Productions’ to construct a zip line from the top of Barclays bank to run the entire length of Bridge street has been refused.  We asked for a comment from the Town Council but unfortunately no-one was available at time of going to press.

SHAKESPEARE DEAD

The theatre world was rocked tonight by the news that William Shakespeare is dead. An urgent statement released by the Royal Shakespeare Theatre begins… ‘…although we have been showcasing William’s work for a number of years now we had no idea that the playwright had passed (sometime ago), or was even ill. We were under… Read More »