Village newcomers complain about expulsion of gas from livestock

By The Stratfordian | February 17, 2020

cows arses‘We knew when we moved from Kensington to this lovely little village that it would be a life-changer. We accepted the fact that our neighbours would more than likely keep pigs and the Church bells would ring on Sundays. Even the idea of an embarrassing village idiot walking around all day with his flies undone didn’t really concern us.’

So says Charles Rostrum-Ponsonby-Smythe upon his recent move to the Warwickshire village of Upton-Downton (named changed).

‘…but I had no idea that sleep would become impossible because of a herd of cows situated in a field near-by. Even though the master bedroom is situated at the top of the house I hear them every night expelling methane gas at an alarming rate. Even my wife is suffering and she’s in the basement.

It’s really hard to believe the farmers lack of concern for our well-being. And it’s not just the smell. The noise is unbearable.

My wife and I believe that there is some sort of vendetta going on amongst the village folk aimed entirely at newcomers like us. We have reason to believe the farmer has purposely mixed the sizes of the animals in a bid to get them to fart in harmony.

Poppy and me, are at our wits end and are planning to take it up with our local MP the next time he comes around to dinner.’

Owner of the herd in question, local Farmer Joseph Giles was unavailable for comment.


it really helps if you leave a comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.