I do not like the age I am (…OK, who does?)
Don’t get me wrong. I know there’s nothing I can do about it and to be honest, I suppose I’m grateful that I’ve got this far relatively unscathed. But, I have had my biblically allotted time. So, if you believe that ‘Bible time’ is pretty much accurate, you could say I’m getting ‘ready’ to die. Basically, I think about it most of my waking hours. I’m not scared, more annoyed that there is so much to do and so little time to do it in.
T o be honest, I have nothing to complain about.
I’ve got family which I guess is what it (life) is probably all about. I would have liked a bit more money, a bit more success and a lot more time to enjoy it but hey, ‘when you gotta go, you gotta go’.
Anyway, apart from thoughts of kicking the bucket, popping my clogs and basically, snuffing it, at the moment I am trying to divest myself of all thoughts of God.
I’m trying to do without him. And I have to admit that as an ex CofE priest this is a very difficult task and because of our hard-wired ‘faith’ it also feels a little dangerous. Without going into some deep (ish) theology I feel like I’m taking on Zeus before he changed his name and nature into a more gentle God. The point being, us humans always need a shoulder to cry on even if it is invisible and basically, not there. Anything to avoid taking responsibility.
I am, aside from all this more than a little peeved.
I want to be a writer. NO. That’s not right. I am a writer but lack of this allusive ‘success’ means I don’t know if I’m any good. The truth is I want to be a writer who is appreciated for his insight. I want to be recognised for his brilliant plays. Unfortunately, the older I get the more this seems unlikely. Age is a fuck. No-one wants the older writer, the older anything. Now, I have to dream that it will all happen when I’m dead.
My last gripe only a few will understand.
Being mixed-race has been hard.
So, to white people I say…‘You bastards’ and to my black ‘brothers and sisters’ I say, ‘I was a black brother who was taken even further away and you were no fucking help either’.