Fattest man in Warwickshire claims weight loss record

The wife of Peter Bulk (57) of Stratford upon Avon, who once held the record for the largest man in Warwickshire weighing in at 37 Stone, has reported that her husband has lost 37 stone over the amazingly short period of six months. Mrs Bulk went on to tell The Stratfordian… ‘Of course Peter willContinue reading Fattest man in Warwickshire claims weight loss record

Local MP mooted as Minister for Rickets

Thanks to the tremendous rise in Child Poverty and the like, the House of Common’s Bars and smoke-filled rooms are abuzz with the rumour that Stratford upon Avon’s local MP ( *Nadhim Zahawi), is to be recommended for the position of Minister for Rickets, Polio (and other childhood diseases from the 1950’s). Although the MPContinue reading Local MP mooted as Minister for Rickets

2020 Predictions

Bell Court closes.  ‘Lack of footfall’ reason given.  Bell Court Reprieve. New owners.  Bell Court re-named ‘The Bird Shopping Centre’.  The Bird Shopping Centre re-named ‘Bell Court’.  Statues of Tony Bird erected in Bell Court.  Shakespeare’s Birthday cancelled through lack of funds.  Shakespeare’s Birthday saved by Tony Bird Donation.  Shakespeare’s Birthday Celebration moved to May-Bird.Continue reading 2020 Predictions

‘The Angry Cabbage’. A Vegetable Research revelation

Reader discretion advised Because of the end of 30 year ban under the Official Secrets Act, The Warwick Crop Centre once known as The Vegetable Research Station (Stratford upon Avon) has at last been able to reveal some of its best kept secrets. Professor Brian Brain who retired from his post of Head of ResearchContinue reading ‘The Angry Cabbage’. A Vegetable Research revelation

Fracking to begin in Bell Court over Winter

Stratford Town Council admitted today that fracking would begin in Bell Court over the winter months. A spokesperson for the Council said today, ‘A huge gas deposit was discovered under Bell Court during recent maintenance work. Such is the size of the field that the Council decided that this is a financial opportunity to goodContinue reading Fracking to begin in Bell Court over Winter

Traffic Wardens reject new uniform based on Vatican Guard

Olaf La Strange designer of the new Stratford upon Avon Traffic Wardens uniform,was in shock today when Traffic Wardens in the Stratford area voted conclusively to reject the new design. Mr La Strange told The Stratfordian…   ‘I am devastated. I really thought my design based on the uniform of the Vatican Guard would beContinue reading Traffic Wardens reject new uniform based on Vatican Guard

Landmine clearance almost complete on Bancroft say Council

‘Landmine clearance should be complete by the summer’ says leading Town Councillor. Despite a spate of vicious rumours to the contrary, The Stratfordian has been assured by *Lt Col Sir Henry Gammon head of the 5th Stratford Ordinance Brigade that… ‘almost all of the mistakenly placed landmines dug into the flower beds on the Bancroft,Continue reading Landmine clearance almost complete on Bancroft say Council

Undertaker wins Christmas Window competition

In a highly unusual result in Stratford upon Avon’s Christmas window competition, the undertakers Arthur Body (deceased) & Sons were announced the winners of the yearly competition for ‘Stratford’s Jolliest Christmas Window Display’. John Body owner and CEO of the one-hundred-year-old company said today… ‘…as you can imagine we were over the moon when weContinue reading Undertaker wins Christmas Window competition

15% of Swans on River Avon are Fake says Report

A report released yesterday by the SAB (The Swan Authentication Board) says that ‘at the very least 15% of the swans currently floating about on the River Avon’s Stratford section are ‘without doubt, fakes’. Jason Feather, Chairman of the SAB told the Stratfordian that, ‘…we were as amazed as anyone to discover that a numberContinue reading 15% of Swans on River Avon are Fake says Report

Statue of Tony Bird Mooted

A petition to erect a statue of Tony Bird has gathered pace and plans are believed to be ‘at discussion stage’ for the erection of a monument to ‘the man who changed Stratford upon Avon forever’. Mister Bird, who single-handedly ‘moved shopping out of Stratford to Leamington Spa, Warwick and surrounding districts’ is said toContinue reading Statue of Tony Bird Mooted

Giraffe running wild in Stratford Radish Fields

Radish picker Stanislav Wzxedizmith was just finishing his shift in Stratford upon Avon’s world renowned radish fields when, taking a moment to stretch his aching back he spotted a giraffe foraging in the hedgerows that surrounded his personal working space.  ‘I was amazed at seeing this exotic creature. Such a beautiful beast. It must haveContinue reading Giraffe running wild in Stratford Radish Fields

Letter from William Shakespeare Discovered in Herald Archive

A letter of complaint from William Shakespeare has been discovered in the Stratford upon Herald’s archive. Addressed to the Editor and dated *March 1613 the letter contains perhaps unsurprisingly, the usual Stratford upon Avon talking points, i.e. The amount of dog excrement on the streets, cracked paving stones, the ‘usefulness’ of town councillors and anContinue reading Letter from William Shakespeare Discovered in Herald Archive

‘A Pound for a Poo’ in Stratford upon Avon

Elderly people in Stratford upon Avon are in for a shock the next time they find themselves ‘caught short’ out shopping or entertaining the grandkids feeding the ducks. In fact it might, considering the latest news from the Town Council be wise for older citizens to stay away from water. The Town council have justContinue reading ‘A Pound for a Poo’ in Stratford upon Avon

Local Villages Mimicking Universe says Scientist

According to scientist and author (LSD: A Micro-tab a day Keeps the Doctor Away. Faber & Faber) Dr Toby Brain, ‘…villages around Stratford upon Avon are moving away from the town at a rate of six inches a year’. ‘This is exactly what is happening to the universe we live in at the moment, althoughContinue reading Local Villages Mimicking Universe says Scientist

Bigfoot Mystery Solved

Mysterious recent sightings of a ‘Bigfoot’ type creature on the outskirts of Stratford upon Avon have recently been put to rest by local man Norman Angina (81). Once voted Guinness Book of Record’s ‘Britain’s hairiest man’ and after spending his early working life on various fairgrounds billed as ‘The monster with six fingers on eachContinue reading Bigfoot Mystery Solved

‘Tights not Obligatory’ says Theatre Head Honcho

Head of the Royal Shakespeare Theatre here in Stratford upon Avon, made it very clear today that wearing tights when acting is not a foregone conclusion nor a necessity. ‘There is a rumour that I would like to dispel concerning the wearing of tights in the theatre’ said a visibly angry Greg Doran, Boss ofContinue reading ‘Tights not Obligatory’ says Theatre Head Honcho

Teenage defibrillator game dangerous says Health Chief

‘Stratford’s teenagers are playing a dangerous game when using one of the many free-for-use defibrillators for their own amusement’  says Stratford Health Chief, Peter Bandage. According to Mr Bandage, the latest craze amongst Stratford upon Avon youngsters is called ‘Shock the Monkey’ or ‘Clear’,  the idea being to see who can take the most shocksContinue reading Teenage defibrillator game dangerous says Health Chief

Entire Butterfly Farm Stock Devoured by Recent African Edition

Staff at Stratford upon Avon’s Butterfly farm had a terrible shock when they arrived for work this morning. Their entire living collection of butterflies from all over the world was nowhere to be seen. Stunned Head butterfly keeper Geoffrey Sting told the Stratfordian that… ‘…members of staff were in tears to find everything gone. OurContinue reading Entire Butterfly Farm Stock Devoured by Recent African Edition