‘Purge the healthy actors’ says Knight of the Realm

Nobody expected a quiet night at Sir Hemsford Grey’s (93) Royal Shakespeare Theatre retirement party and they were right. Saying a warm goodbye to his actor colleagues, Sir Hemsford couldn’t help but deliver his opinion on today’s intake of modern actors. ‘If we’re not careful the whole profession is going to go down the proverbialContinue reading ‘Purge the healthy actors’ says Knight of the Realm

Chlorinated chicken runs amok in Town Centre

Sheep Street Stratford upon Avon was in uproar this afternoon when a chlorinated chicken caused havoc by running down the middle of the busy road causing a number of cars to collide and women to faint. Sheep Street (also known as the ‘street of a thousand restaurants’) was in chaos with every eating establishment denyingContinue reading Chlorinated chicken runs amok in Town Centre

Trump to be awarded the Freedom of Stratford upon Avon

The White House greeted the news that President Trump could be awarded the Freedom of Stratford upon Avon with a statement from the President… ‘I’ve known about this great little town for some time now and Mister Shakespeare is a great, great friend of mine. I’m a great fan of his movies and books especiallyContinue reading Trump to be awarded the Freedom of Stratford upon Avon

Stratford upon Avon’s Town Host Scheme ‘infiltrated by outsiders’

Stratford’s Town Host Scheme has long been envied as a Tourist Information Service second to none. The idea of having knowledgeable locals as easily identifiable ‘Town Hosts’ always on hand to direct tourists or any new visitors to Stratford upon Avon’s many historic sites, is an idea many have thought,worth copying. Unfortunately, according to documentsContinue reading Stratford upon Avon’s Town Host Scheme ‘infiltrated by outsiders’

Breaking News: Plan to build wall around Stratford upon Avon

Word has just reached The Stratfordian that rumours ‘to build a wall around Stratford upon Avon’ are not as far-fetched as originally thought. The Stratfordian learnt today that as recently as Monday a special, closed meeting was held at District Council level to discuss finance for the project. The Conservative Chairman of the group, ’KeepContinue reading Breaking News: Plan to build wall around Stratford upon Avon

Signatures increase to remove ‘obscene’ riverside bollards

President of the Clear Up Nasty Things Swiftly group, Amelia Swann, announced today at a hastily convened press conference ‘that the group was a hundred signatures short of one thousand. The number the group believes the town council should begin to ‘sit up and take notice of our protests’. The subject of the groups angerContinue reading Signatures increase to remove ‘obscene’ riverside bollards

Childrens entertainer disappears in vanishing cabinet

When ‘Mr Surprise’ magician and clown, was hired for little Thomas (surname withheld) 8th birthday party, no-one expected such a joyful event would end so disturbingly with police being called.  Thomas ‘ father takes up the story… ‘Basically, it was the end of Mister Surprise’ act. The grand finale so to speak. We’d hired thisContinue reading Childrens entertainer disappears in vanishing cabinet

Swan on menu at Shakespeare’s birthday celebrations

Local Stratford upon Avon chefs were ‘cock-a-hoop’ today when they received permission from the Queens household to kill a swan and prepare it for this year’s signature dish at Shakespeare’s Birthday Celebrations in April. Head Chef Manuel Ortega Longbottom, who will be preparing the rarely tasted dish said today… ‘I am over the moon. WeContinue reading Swan on menu at Shakespeare’s birthday celebrations

Giant African Snail causes traffic havoc

You would never judge Ian Bland (27) as an angry man. Befitting his surname Ian is quiet and sombre, some might say, boring. Amongst his many hobbies you can include the collecting of train timetables and beermats. But early Tuesday morning Ian was fuming, under the impression that the subject of his main hobby, snails,Continue reading Giant African Snail causes traffic havoc

More men taking up Doublet & Hose in Stratford upon Avon

For Stratford upon Avon Tailors ‘Megavissey & Snodgrass’, 2019 was a relief.  In fact, says Head Cutter and Joint Owner Wolverine Snodgrass (86)…’‘2019 was the decade our bacon was saved’. 2019 was the year that Stratford upon Avon men upped themselves in the fashion stakes and took to wearing that old Elizabethan stalwart, the DoubletContinue reading More men taking up Doublet & Hose in Stratford upon Avon

Wanted man discovered living in Pillar Box

Police were all of a hoo-har this afternoon when it was revealed that an escaped prisoner they had been searching for over a year, had been living in a Royal Mail post box barely 200 hundred yards from Stratford upon Avon’s police station. Albert Thug, who was originally imprisoned for extremely nasty behaviour, handed himselfContinue reading Wanted man discovered living in Pillar Box

Fattest man in Warwickshire claims weight loss record

The wife of Peter Bulk (57) of Stratford upon Avon, who once held the record for the largest man in Warwickshire weighing in at 37 Stone, has reported that her husband has lost 37 stone over the amazingly short period of six months. Mrs Bulk went on to tell The Stratfordian… ‘Of course Peter willContinue reading Fattest man in Warwickshire claims weight loss record

Local MP mooted as Minister for Rickets

Thanks to the tremendous rise in Child Poverty and the like, the House of Common’s Bars and smoke-filled rooms are abuzz with the rumour that Stratford upon Avon’s local MP ( *Nadhim Zahawi), is to be recommended for the position of Minister for Rickets, Polio (and other childhood diseases from the 1950’s). Although the MPContinue reading Local MP mooted as Minister for Rickets

2020 Predictions

Bell Court closes.  ‘Lack of footfall’ reason given.  Bell Court Reprieve. New owners.  Bell Court re-named ‘The Bird Shopping Centre’.  The Bird Shopping Centre re-named ‘Bell Court’.  Statues of Tony Bird erected in Bell Court.  Shakespeare’s Birthday cancelled through lack of funds.  Shakespeare’s Birthday saved by Tony Bird Donation.  Shakespeare’s Birthday Celebration moved to May-Bird.Continue reading 2020 Predictions

‘The Angry Cabbage’. A Vegetable Research revelation

Reader discretion advised Because of the end of 30 year ban under the Official Secrets Act, The Warwick Crop Centre once known as The Vegetable Research Station (Stratford upon Avon) has at last been able to reveal some of its best kept secrets. Professor Brian Brain who retired from his post of Head of ResearchContinue reading ‘The Angry Cabbage’. A Vegetable Research revelation

Fracking to begin in Bell Court over Winter

Stratford Town Council admitted today that fracking would begin in Bell Court over the winter months. A spokesperson for the Council said today, ‘A huge gas deposit was discovered under Bell Court during recent maintenance work. Such is the size of the field that the Council decided that this is a financial opportunity to goodContinue reading Fracking to begin in Bell Court over Winter

Traffic Wardens reject new uniform based on Vatican Guard

Olaf La Strange designer of the new Stratford upon Avon Traffic Wardens uniform,was in shock today when Traffic Wardens in the Stratford area voted conclusively to reject the new design. Mr La Strange told The Stratfordian…   ‘I am devastated. I really thought my design based on the uniform of the Vatican Guard would beContinue reading Traffic Wardens reject new uniform based on Vatican Guard

Landmine clearance almost complete on Bancroft say Council

‘Landmine clearance should be complete by the summer’ says leading Town Councillor. Despite a spate of vicious rumours to the contrary, The Stratfordian has been assured by *Lt Col Sir Henry Gammon head of the 5th Stratford Ordinance Brigade that… ‘almost all of the mistakenly placed landmines dug into the flower beds on the Bancroft,Continue reading Landmine clearance almost complete on Bancroft say Council