The Stratfordian

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Town news, unusual local

Local Prophet reveals vision

holy jack rageLocal prophet Holy Jack Rage well known around the Stratford upon Avon District for his dire warnings and rolling naked in the dust, has finally revealed details of a vision he says he received from God last year.

Insisting on a night meeting in a local park where there was less chance of being disturbed, he told his story to yours truly.

‘I’ve kept this under wraps for too long. The people deserve to know that God is angry. I have been worried as to how the…julp,rognesset, pingealtbishpop, grumply…  (at this point Holy Jack began talking in tongues forcing the Stratfordian to leave until normal service could be resumed- which it was one hour later)

‘…as I was saying, God is angry. He told me that he was totally overwhelmed by the prayers he was receiving. He asked me to imagine what being on Twitter 24/7 would be like. Hell, he said, hell.  Thought and prayers, thoughts and prayers day after day, night after night.  I have to admit that I have no idea what or where Twitter is but by the way God was showing his impatience and anger that it must be on a par with Sodom or even Gomorrah and you know how angry that made him. It sometimes goes like this. Sometimes his way, his words are a complete mystery, even to me. I’m just the errand boy. Anyway, he asked me to ask those of faith to back off. Give him some room. He said he’s trying his best, but he’s exhausted. I’ve never seen him like this. I’m worried. Anyway, that’s the message. Make of it what you will. I have to go now. I’m due to sacrifice a goat at 3’.

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