Members of the Conservative party in Stratford upon Avon are concerned tonight by the apparent disappearance of Local Member of Parliament Latrine Bizarrio. Last seen watching news reports of Boris Johnson’s new Cabinet by Arthur Toady (79) boot boy & general dogsbody at Conservative headquarters in Old Town Stratford upon Avon, members have called an emergency meeting where Mr Toady was asked to give his account . Mr Toady said,
‘His Lordship (he liked me to call him that) was admittedly quite upset at the news reports of the Prime Minister’s new cabinet as he had hoped to have been included himself.
When I saw him there were tears on his cheeks, he was obviously holding his breath and was stamping his feet so hard that dust was flying from our deep pile Persian carpet that covers the entire bottom floor of our building, but apart from that everything was quite normal. It was breakfast time and I had just served his lordship his usual quail’s eggs with soldiers so when he started reacting like that, I was quite surprised. I asked him if he would like another gin and tonic, he told me to ‘go away’ in no uncertain terms. I finished brushing his hair and left immediately.’
Press officer for the Party, Piers Makitup said that he’s seen the MP about an hour after Mr Toady’s encounter…
‘All seemed well when suddenly there was a light from heaven which slowly lifted our beloved MP slowly skywards. I heard a choir of Angels and a deep voice not unlike that of a resurrected Charlton Heston say…’You are my Chosen One’ and then it all went blank. When I awoke, I was flat out on the deep pile Persian carpet that covers the entire bottom floor of our building. I can only conclude three possible scenarios…
I was drunk.
Our beloved leader was summoned to heaven to sit at the right hand of God.
He was abducted by Aliens.
Members of the emergency committee declined to give a reaction to the witness statements to The Stratfordian, ‘until such time they feel it appropriate’.