‘Master Willies’ Stratford’s Elizabethan themed sex shop closes doors after 70 years
8 October 2020
‘Master Willies’,Stratford upon Avon’s only Elizabethan themed sex shop has ceased trading after 70 years.
Disappointed Owner, William Quickly told The Stratfordian…
‘Today is a very sad day. Although we have run this business for a very long time, we have come to realise that what we offer is considered out-of-date and no longer wanted by the more sophisticated customer who requires and indeed expects battery operated products.
This sad decision was made after a major drop in sales of our Elizabethan Fun Pack. No-one wants a mahogany dildo or a hand-knitted and personally fitted Willie Warmer anymore, no matter how much craftmanship is involved. We ourselves will admit that since moving production to India, complaints of splinters have grown four-fold and resulted in a major drop in sales. We even tried adding to the Fun Pack with a selection of Tudor remedies for Erectile Disfunction but unfortunately, Eye of Toad coupled with crushed spring lamb’s tail and new spider’s web is not only difficult to source but is unattractive to the more modern palate’.
A group of disappointed customers known only as ‘Friends of Master Willies’ issued a statement through an anonymous spokesperson…
‘It is with great regret we hear of the demise of Master Willies. It is no exaggeration to say that some members of the group have taken the news very hard indeed and are at a loss as to what to do next. There are others who insist that they will not take this sad news lying down and intend to do everything in their power to stand firm against the decision, some even accusing Mr Quickly of going soft on the issue ‘.