‘A Pound for a Poo’ in Stratford upon Avon

Elderly people in Stratford upon Avon are in for a shock the next time they find themselves ‘caught short’ out shopping or entertaining the grandkids feeding the ducks. In fact it might, considering the latest news from the Town Council be wise for older citizens to stay away from water. The Town council have justContinue reading ‘A Pound for a Poo’ in Stratford upon Avon

Local Villages Mimicking Universe says Scientist

According to scientist and author (LSD: A Micro-tab a day Keeps the Doctor Away. Faber & Faber) Dr Toby Brain, ‘…villages around Stratford upon Avon are moving away from the town at a rate of six inches a year’. ‘This is exactly what is happening to the universe we live in at the moment, althoughContinue reading Local Villages Mimicking Universe says Scientist

Bigfoot Mystery Solved

Mysterious recent sightings of a ‘Bigfoot’ type creature on the outskirts of Stratford upon Avon have recently been put to rest by local man Norman Angina (81). Once voted Guinness Book of Record’s ‘Britain’s hairiest man’ and after spending his early working life on various fairgrounds billed as ‘The monster with six fingers on eachContinue reading Bigfoot Mystery Solved

Teenage defibrillator game dangerous says Health Chief

‘Stratford’s teenagers are playing a dangerous game when using one of the many free-for-use defibrillators for their own amusement’  says Stratford Health Chief, Peter Bandage. According to Mr Bandage, the latest craze amongst Stratford upon Avon youngsters is called ‘Shock the Monkey’ or ‘Clear’,  the idea being to see who can take the most shocksContinue reading Teenage defibrillator game dangerous says Health Chief

Entire Butterfly Farm Stock Devoured by Recent African Edition

Staff at Stratford upon Avon’s Butterfly farm had a terrible shock when they arrived for work this morning. Their entire living collection of butterflies from all over the world was nowhere to be seen. Stunned Head butterfly keeper Geoffrey Sting told the Stratfordian that… ‘…members of staff were in tears to find everything gone. OurContinue reading Entire Butterfly Farm Stock Devoured by Recent African Edition

Elephant Pulling Cart to Lead Next Year’s Shakespeare Birthday Parade

An elephant pulling a cart full of orphaned children is one of the ideas mooted by Stratford Town Council to ‘liven up’ next years Shakespeare’s birthday celebrations. Town Crier and Chairman of the Celebrations Committee Arthur Loudly told The Stratfordian that.. ‘Many of today’s councillors are fully aware of the boring and rag-tag nature ofContinue reading Elephant Pulling Cart to Lead Next Year’s Shakespeare Birthday Parade

‘Street Eating’ could be Banned in Stratford upon Avon

Seeing a pedestrian racing by, clutching a cup of coffee or eating a sausage roll may become a rare sight on the streets of Stratford if Town Councillors have their way. Plans are afoot to ban eating on the streets of Shakespeare’s Town after an unusual number of complaints were received by the Town CouncilContinue reading ‘Street Eating’ could be Banned in Stratford upon Avon

‘Living Statue’ Frozen to the Spot During Robbery

Henley Street in Stratford upon Avon became the site of criminal activity this weekend when a cap containing £3.50 was taken from the street entertainer who portrays ‘Henry VIII’ as a ‘living statue’. As robbers went about their awful business of removing the money from a hat, the living statue (who wishes to remain anonymous)Continue reading ‘Living Statue’ Frozen to the Spot During Robbery

Local MP wins ‘Stable Genius’ award third year running

Local MP Nubile Bizzaro has won the RSPCA award for ‘Stable Genius’ for the third year running. Cited thricely for his ‘warm and comfortable horses’ the award winner MP told The Stratfordian that… ‘I am of course truly honoured and extremely humbled by the RSPCA for the award ‘Stable Genius’ for the third year running.Continue reading Local MP wins ‘Stable Genius’ award third year running

‘Confused Americans’ Claim to be members of vanished Ghost Tour circa 1964

An early morning dog walker was in for a shock when he came across a group of Confused Americans wandering about Holy Trinity’s churchyard in the early hours of Friday morning. Things were only going to get worst for the surprised dog walker when the confused Americans claimed to be members of a ghost walk/tourContinue reading ‘Confused Americans’ Claim to be members of vanished Ghost Tour circa 1964

Elizabethan themed Sex Shop closes doors after 70 years

‘Master Willies’, Stratford’s only Elizabethan sex shop has ceased trading after 70 years. Proprietor William Quickly said yesterday that… ‘Today is a very sad day. We have run this business for a very long time, but we have come to realise that what we offer is considered out-of-date and no longer wanted by the moreContinue reading Elizabethan themed Sex Shop closes doors after 70 years

‘Sulphuric fumes and lava leaking into Stratford Streets from Underworld’, says ex-mayor

Ex-Mayor Cereal O’Hanaranaranaran warned today that… ‘Unless the flow of sulphur and lava from the cracks in the town’s broken pavements is stopped, there are dark days ahead for Stratford upon Avon’. Standing outside Elizabeth House ex-mayor O’Hanaranaranaran was joined in his protest by Mr Harold Hazzard (109). Mr Hazzard, who claims to have trippedContinue reading ‘Sulphuric fumes and lava leaking into Stratford Streets from Underworld’, says ex-mayor

New bypass to cut through Centre of Town

Town and County Planners were at a loss today to explain why plans for the new Stratford upon Avon bypass showed the major road passing through the centre of town. Head planner Arthur P. Pusher told the Stratfordian that the panic and shock were completely unwarranted as ‘things on paper (blueprint) tend to look completelyContinue reading New bypass to cut through Centre of Town

Stratford Herald Celebrates Purchase of Newly Refurbished Typewriter

Happy days are ahead for local paper The Stratford upon Avon Herald as staff gather to celebrate the unveiling of their newly purchased refurbished typewriter. Editor, reporter, photographer, receptionist and office cleaner Richard Howarth said… ‘…plans were well afoot for tonight’s celebration at the White Swan. Staff young and old, dead or alive are allContinue reading Stratford Herald Celebrates Purchase of Newly Refurbished Typewriter

Firs Gardens mooted for Stratford’s 2nd Cemetery

A spokesperson for Stratford upon Avon Town Council confirmed today that Councillors were seriously looking at the Firs Gardens for the site of Stratford’s second cemetery. ‘Although the traditional site on the Evesham road is very popular it has been in use for a long period of time. We are at the stage where weContinue reading Firs Gardens mooted for Stratford’s 2nd Cemetery

Award winning ‘living statue’ found dead.

Well-loved Stratford personality and award winning ‘living statue’ Percy ‘Stationary’ Stanton, was declared dead by medical personnel in the early hours of Saturday morning. Alerted by a dog walker who was worried that Mr Stanton had been in the same spot (the Bancroft) and motionless for over 48 hours a doctor from a nearby surgeryContinue reading Award winning ‘living statue’ found dead.