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From ‘Judy’ (email withheld)

Dear The Stratfordian, 

A good friend of mine wants to know what is the best way to dispose of a body?


A: Dear Judy, Disposing of a body can be an awkward task. Apart from the sheer weight of a lifeless object making it very difficult to handle, to totally dispose of it can prove expensive. Corrosive chemicals and the like do not come cheap. Burning is of course an option, but one will always, unless working at very high temperatures, have er…leftovers. I think the best way to dispose of body is to speak with a professional i.e. an Undertaker or Crematologist.


Dear The Stratfordian,

Please help me. I am a kleptomaniac. I steal things, anything that’s not nailed to the floor. I cannot help it. I have tried everything even handing myself into the police. What can I do? Tommo


A: Dear Tommo, This is not so unusual. This problem existed in my own family with my Uncle Ted (named changed). We solved it by taping plastic drainpipes over his lower arms, covering his finger tips. After a year of ridicule and members of the family force feeding him, it worked. If you can stand the staring and cruel jokes and can be patient, it will work for you too.