I have to admit that I get some perverse enjoyment from telling people that I am an ex-priest who has, from day one of holiness, been losing his faith.
One: I like to see the confused look on their faces when they realise they are confronted with someone who has so easily dismissed something they have been searching for or at least been trying to understand for most of their adult life.
And two: It’s not true.
To cut to the chase.
I have most certainly lost my faith but most certainly not in (for want of a better word), *God.
My faith (if I ever really and truthfully, had any) is totally gone in the C of E.
I have stopped believing in the Church of England.
And if the truth were really to be known, the only reason that they (CofE) became part of my life in the first place is because, they were there.
Like some huge blockade, I had to go through them to get to where I thought I wanted to be. They were/are the self-appointed gatekeepers. Custom Control.
They’re the Ones who led me astray and attempted to clone me. They are the Ones who put their grubby hands upon me, dressed me up in outlandish costume, gave me a script to read and let me go blundering dangerously, like a bad actor into the community.
So I blame them.
I blame them from disallowing true exploration into what was calling me.
I blame them for leading me away from who I truly was/am.
I blame them for supplying me with a false narrative and indoctrinating me day in (especially on Sundays) and day out.
I now realise that organised faith systems are always based on abuse.
And I am ashamed to realise at this at such a late hour.
I am ashamed that I was part of a system that basically told innocent people that they were not good enough and their only chance at something called ‘redemption’ would be to change.
I am ashamed because I could and should been concentrating more on the uniqueness of what each person in their own right had to offer. I should have been building confidence in realities not wishy-washy, pie in the sky when you die remedies.
I should have been pushing ‘WORTH’ not ‘worthlessness’.
I am truly sorry…it won’t happen again.
THEOLOGY FOR ALL
*God. This will be in part II (maybe).