Battle of the Bypass

And so, the battle of the bypass‘ rages on…just like it has for the last 40+ years I have been here.

On and On it goes…

Every few years a plan is revealed and regular as clockwork it gets panned and rubbished for being too ugly, too big or just too damn expensive. And it becomes obvious to us sensible people that there is no way anyone is going to reach an agreement.

However, there is one possible solution to the problem that I don’t think has ever been mooted, (love that word…mootedMOOTED) so, as it looks like I am the first ever to think of it, I shall refer to it as…

…‘The Stratman Plan’.

Like all good ideas, ‘The Stratman Plan’ is simple. It will involve little disruption to our trips out to labour in Stratford-upon-Avon’s onion and turnip fields and for those who are lucky enough to spend their lives shopping, well they (lucky bastards) will hardly notice a thing.

Perhaps the only downside will be the massive expense…but hey, think of the benefits. ‘The Stratman Plan’ will mean that Stratford-upon-Avon can stay the same but without the soul and lung destroying traffic.

‘How so?’ I hear you cry. Stratford-upon-Avon without the traffic? Without the pollution? Impossible.

Not so my friends, if, with some effort we change our thinking.

Instead of ‘UP’ we think ‘DOWN’.

Yes…you’ve got it. In the words of one of my favourite trios The (traffic-geddit?) Jam, we think...‘Going Underground’. Simples. We dig for victory.

WE DIG UNDER STRATFORD-UPON-AVON. We re-route everything UNDER the town.

From the top of the Banbury Road (for instance), the weary traveller not looking forward to the usual Stratford-upon-Avon traffic jam would suddenly find themselves in a tunnel that takes them down and under the Banbury road to resurface at the Birmingham road roundabout.

There’s more…

Like-wise, travellers coming down Borden Hill would suddenly disappear into a tunnel, reappearing on the road to Warwick.

The possibilities are endless. Every traffic problem solved. All it would take is someone to say…’YES’.

[I have to admit that this brilliant idea formed whilst watching my brother-in-law’s on-going efforts to work in the Middle East, where he digs holes. Not your average spade and pick-axe hole but holes formed by those out of this world, science-fiction-type boring machines. Gigantic earth-moving mechanical worms that forge deep tunnels under the desert sands. SEE HERE).

Bring the technology to Stratford, I say. Think about it, sure there would be the usual complaints about noise and grubby workers using Stratford-upon-Avon’s world-class facilities but this would only be during construction. Once completed the tunnels would be a life-safer

And think on this…once finished, no-one would have a leg to stand on as far as complaints go. Stratford-upon-Avoner’s would lapse into their usual lethargy and why?

Because…the tunnels would be…OUT OF SIGHT – and therefore, OUT OF MIND.

(Another brilliant idea from and MOOTED by) Stratman.

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